When I tell people I like wine, I get the impression that what they really hear is, “I like consuming so much alcohol that control of my bodily functions is the high point of my life.” People don’t actually say that to me, but I can see the boundless judgment in their piercing, wine-colored eyes. They do get a tad disappointed when they find out I’m not an alcoholic.
Despite such needless judgment, I’m here to say there is a way to enjoy your wine and drink it too, without succumbing to the harsh scrutiny of judgmental twerps. To assist you in this, I’ve compiled four tips that will catapult you from a socially awkward party pariah to a sophisticated wine connoisseur whom everyone will invite to all of their parties. And if no one invites you to parties after this, it’s probably because you’re helpless loser who’d be better off in a gulag.
Tip 1—Be Like James Bond: No one knows alcohol like James Bond, and who better to emulate than a chain-smoking, promiscuous alcoholic who kills people for a living?
When you’re at a restaurant trying to impress everybody, the server will approach and say something like, “Our 1996 Pinot Grigio pairs quite nicely with the strip steak.” Adopt a subtle sneer, perhaps scoffing a bit, then casually say you prefer the 1994. The more condescendingly you say this, the more everyone at the table will think you’re a Smart Person. If the server informs you that that label didn’t make a Pinot Grigio in 1994, smack him across the face with your napkin and demand the two of you fight a duel.
Tip 2—Read the Wine Labels: That fact that wine bottles have reading material on them shows you how sophisticated it is. There isn’t any description on beer except to tell you that drinking it will cause pregnancy (or maybe you shouldn’t drink it if you’re pregnant; I never read the whole thing).
Anyway, on the backs of bottles you’ll find helpful descriptions that read something like, “Made with grapes grown with obsessive care by a grape fanatic who dresses like Louis XIV when picking the grapes. Note the delicate flavor consisting of wild strawberries that fell into wine barrels made out of soggy driftwood. Pairs well with everything, and pairs well when you’re eating nothing.”
Such exquisite wording makes me proud to be a wine drinker. Milk manufacturers should definitely look into writing descriptions on their products. Imagine picking up a gallon of milk and seeing this printed on the side: “This milk was taken from a mildly insecure Holstein who was fed caviar three times a day and repeatedly complimented during the milking process. Pairs well with Cheerios and vodka.”
Tip 3—Get a Wine Cellar: This can be difficult, especially if you don’t have a cellar. To rectify this indecency, steal borrow a shovel from your neighbor’s garage while he’s sleeping (or knock him out with the stolen shovel). Since you’ll need several hundred cubic feet of space, I’d suggest taking three years off of work to complete this simple task. Once you’ve dug your wine cellar, fill it with several hundred bottles of wine. Visitors to your house will think you’re a wine genius and never suspect for a moment that you either like to collect bottles, your lust for alcohol is so great that you don’t ever want it far away from you, or you’ve read too much Poe and have an annoying house guest buried alive somewhere in your cellar.
In the end, if you go into someone’s basement and all you see are wine bottles, you think, “This guy has made it in life.” But if you go into someone’s basement and it’s filled with endless pallets of Pabst Blue Ribbon, you think, “This guy is probably a serial killer.”
Tip 4—Learn the Types of Wine: If someone asks you what type of wine you prefer, responding with “The kind that has alcohol in it” tends not to go too well. Plus, no one will think you’re a Smart Person. All the wine types are foreign words (Australian, I think), and nothing says sophistication like saying something in a language that isn’t English. (Bonus Hint: memorize two phrases in five languages, and people will really think you’re a Smart Person). Some wine types include, “Pinot Noir” aka “Amazing,” “Cabernet” aka “Amazing,” and “Non-Alcoholic Wine” aka “Bottled Filth.”
After you’ve practiced these tips several thousand times, you’ll be ready to venture out into high society with confidence. And if you’re the sort who doesn’t run with high society, practicing these tips in front of your friends and family will make them think you’re part of high society, which is the next best thing. If any of them pull a Holden Caulfield and keep calling you a phony, do what I do: ignore them completely, because nothing bad ever comes from being a phony.