March 22, 8:00 pm: All groundhogs on the council assembled. Mayor Phil ate grass for two hours then fell asleep on top of his secretary. The town council agreed to a 24-hour recess.
March 23, 8:00 pm: Mayor Phil called the meeting to order and motioned for a three-week recess. No objection from the council, largely because they had forgotten that they were supposed to be back in 24 hours.
April 13, 8:00 pm: Council member Albert Rodentface proposed that we include tomatoes in our diet. Every groundhog took a bite out of a tomato and spit it out, as every groundhog said that the tomatoes tasted like mushy centipedes. Council member Wilford Woodchuck motioned to ban tomatoes. Motion passed. Janitorial staff was called to clean up the partially chewed tomatoes.
8:15 pm: Council member Sandy Dirtpile motioned to investigate the metal monster that killed three groundhogs this week. Three groundhogs volunteered to investigate these objects. Attending citizen Darwin Whiskers said they are traps and their only job is to kill groundhogs. Mayor Phil warned Darwin to be quiet.
8:30 pm: Mayor Phil observed that humans keep dogs and cats in their above-ground tunnels. The dogs and cats appeared very happy, he said. The mayor suggested digging holes really close to these “houses” (that’s what Darwin insisted they were called) to increase the likelihood of the humans taking us in to live in harmony with the cats and dogs. “Plenty of other groundhogs had done so already,” he said, “and they’ve never been seen again. Clearly, they’ve gone to live with the humans.”
8:45 pm: Mayor Phil proposed a review of the treaty with the moles. The moles have been claiming that the treaty is robbing them blind, and they’d like to see their way out of it. The mayor regretted not seeing eye to eye with the moles, but he said the groundhogs would look for a solution if the moles did too.
9:00 pm: Council member Albert Rodentface proposed that we include tomatoes in our diet. Darwin Whiskers claimed we tried that an hour earlier. Rodentface was insistent, and all agreed with him. Every groundhog took a bite out of a tomato and spit it out, as every groundhog said that the tomatoes tasted like mushy centipedes. Council member Wilford Woodchuck motioned to ban tomatoes. Motion passed. Janitorial staff was called to clean up the partially chewed tomatoes. Darwin called everyone idiots. The mayor ordered him to be quiet.
9:15 pm: Council member Rupert Buckteeth gave a presentation on road crossing tactics. Here is a partial transcript:
As we know, there are giant objects that eat and spit out humans. We’ve heard some humans refer to them as “cars.” Many of our brethren have met unfortunate ends when trying to cross the road. After several years of research and the help of dozens of fellow groundhogs who couldn’t be here today on account of getting run over, I’ve figured out how to safely cross the road. Wait for a car to approach, then run out into the road. Stop somewhere on the way over. Double back. Then double back again. The key is to stay on the road as long as possible. Our deer consultant said this was a foolproof tactic.
Darwin noted that such tactics were what probably killed the other groundhogs in the first place. Mayor Phil warned Darwin not to talk or he’d get thrown out of the meeting.
9:30 pm: Last item on the docket. A group of groundhogs led by the famous Ploppy McPlops decided to venture out and negotiate a treaty with the wolves. Ploppy believed that groundhogs and wolves have good reason to get along rather than fight. Ploppy conceded that the fight is a bit one-sided, but he was confident, as were the other members of his team. Darwin called all of them idiots, then stormed off. The mayor expressed relief that he didn’t have to order Darwin thrown out. Ploppy told the council they’d all be back in two weeks.
Two Weeks Later
April 27, 8:00 pm: No word on the three groundhogs who investigated the “traps,” as Darwin called them. Mayor Phil is confident they’re all living in harmony with humans, dogs, and cats.
8:15 pm: Ploppy McPlops returned with news of his wolf negotiations. Ploppy noted that not a whole lot was said because the wolves viciously attacked the members of his team, killing all of them in about two minutes. Apparently, there was a pack of about twenty wolves relative to the six groundhogs in Ploppy’s negotiation team. However, Ploppy was able to escape, and he noted that it was not all for nothing. “The wolves,” he said, “didn’t torture any of the groundhogs. They could have, but they didn’t. I’m confident that we can send another team out this week and get better results.”
“Excellent idea,” said the mayor. “It may take you several tries, but then we can always make more baby groundhogs.”
Darwin chimed in: “Maybe smear yourself with a little sheep’s blood this time. That might work a bit better.”
The mayor thought for a moment, then agreed that Darwin was a genius and should definitely run for town council.
8:30 pm: Council member Albert Rodentface proposed that we include tomatoes in our diet. Every groundhog took a bite out of a tomato and spit it out, as every groundhog said that the tomatoes tasted like mushy centipedes. Council member Wilford Woodchuck motioned to ban tomatoes. Motion passed. Janitorial staff was called to clean up the partially chewed tomatoes. Darwin Whiskers suggested the town council and the mayor practice crossing the road for the rest of the evening.
Photo by Abigail Lynn on UnsplashFollow me in a completely non-creepy way:
This reads like a movie script for Disney or Pixar. Maybe you’re on to something.
I think It’s good summer break is here for you…
Nah. It needs dead/distant parents and/or evil step parents to have a shot at a Disney adaptation.