Few things in life are as glorious as being able to talk about movies with a monumental level of ease and prowess. I know this because I’m able to talk about movies with a monumental level of ease and prowess. Some of the lesser informed peons who infect this planet see my broad movie knowledge […]
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The Completely Not Fake News Report
Social Media—Research has shown that social media do nothing but good when it comes to civil discourse. Harold Jackson, an analyst, told us his perspective on the topic: “The best way to learn anything about the world is to read two to three sentence bits of information that people post on social media. Reading books […]
Horses: A Totally Serious Meditation
I was watching a YouTube video of a Bugatti, which is a car that costs about as much as the entire state of Missouri, and I got to thinking about horses. There was some train of thought, because Bugattis are expensive, and so are Ferraris, and Ferrari has a horse logo, therefore I decided I […]
Wine: How to Drink It like a Really Smart Person
When I tell people I like wine, I get the impression that what they really hear is, “I like consuming so much alcohol that control of my bodily functions is the high point of my life.” People don’t actually say that to me, but I can see the boundless judgment in their piercing, wine-colored eyes. […]
Groundhog Town Council Minutes
March 22, 8:00 pm: All groundhogs on the council assembled. Mayor Phil ate grass for two hours then fell asleep on top of his secretary. The town council agreed to a 24-hour recess. March 23, 8:00 pm: Mayor Phil called the meeting to order and motioned for a three-week recess. No objection from the council, […]
The Comb-Over Toupee: The Savior of Your Social Life
At Hair Peace Industries (a subdivision of Fledgling Enterprises), where you’re at peace with your hair piece, we understand the cultural and social importance of the comb-over better than anyone. We know that the comb-over is the glue that holds your social life together, and its subtlety channels life energy from the universe. Some people […]
Stink Bugs Are Filth
Stink bugs are about as useful to the world as the majority of online political arguments. Out here in Pennsylvania, we have a lovely little invasive species of stink bugs that has managed to worm its way into every aspect of our lives. According to Wikipedia, the most trustworthy source this side of the government, […]