Are you depressed and feeling too much like an individual? Do you find your attempts to find meaning in life hampered by pesky things like personal accountability? Do you suffer from the delusion that your mind actually belongs to you?
If you answered “yes” to any of those questions (or if you hesitated for a millisecond before saying “no”), you’re suffering from a severe case of personal self-worth, with an added complication of capitalism.
Don’t believe the lies from those evil Americans. “Freedom” isn’t about doing what you want. If you want true freedom, fully submit yourself to the government, because we know how to fix everything, including ourselves, which is why we’re perfect and right all the time.
Some of you might be thinking, “But I don’t know if I’m ready to trust the government with my life, my family, or my vintage collection of Joseph Stalin letters to the editor.” Well, we’re used to such objections, which is why we’ve spent years perfecting the antidote to all of our your worries: The Great Gulag Getaway!
With The Great Gulag Getaway, we provide everything that’s missing in your life. We’ve constructed a series of luxury resorts specifically designed to give your life meaning. Enemies of the state call them “hard labor camps,” but we like to refer to them as “character building enhancement resorts.” We know you regret your crimes against humanity, and we’re here to help.
No criminal background? No problem! We’ll provide you with one. In fact, we’ve constructed an intricate algorithm that painstakingly pairs you with the most appropriate crimes that fit whatever personality we’ve decided you have.
We have three different packages (and they change all the time!) that will help you along:
- Molotov Package: This includes the crimes of doubting communism’s perfection, owning any object that is the result of capitalism, and criticizing Stalin’s godly mustache. Comes with a complimentary ten-year stay at a Gulag resort in sunny Siberia!
- Lenin Package: For our more “experienced” criminals, you get the Molotov Package plus the crime of being seen at one point with someone not from Russia, the crime of having walked past someone who once knew someone who heard that someone owned a business, and the ever-popular sexual accusations package. And rest assured, our dedicated KGB team members will make sure to let everyone in your family and hometown know about all of your sexual perversions. You may not remember any of these sordid activities, but don’t worry. We’re confident that your twenty-five-year stay with us will jog your memory.
- Stalin Package: You not only get the Molotov and Lenin Packages, but you will also receive complimentary charges of heresy and espionage, charges of being an agent for the capitalist virus known as America, and charges of trying to assassinate our glorious leader, Joseph Stalin. Comes with not one, but two back-to-back twenty-five-year stays!
In addition to those packages, we provide–completely free, because everything is free in Mother Russia–lots of activities to help pass the time. We have a highly trained group of KGB
interrogators health associates who are more than qualified to help you on your journey to full rehabilitation. You’ll get to experience our world-famous sledgehammer massage room as well as our blow torch exfoliation sauna.
Preferred guests will be staying in a spacious 3 foot by 5 foot luxury mansion that you’ll comfortably share with thirty other people. Sometimes, you may hear some fellow
prisoners comrades criticizing Mother Russia. We can assure you that those people are not spies put there to get you to say something bad about Russia. Really. We would never do that because we are incapable of doing anything wrong.
Now, you may have heard of the “harsh” conditions and “massive amounts of deaths” at our Great Gulag Getaway resorts. We can collectively assure you that such things are rumors spread by evil capitalists and are definitely not accurate representations of any atrocities, which never happen because we are perfect. Our government would never engage in anything like industrialized oppression, or the mass imprisonment of people for breaking laws that make no logical sense, or the denial of such behavior, which, as we already said, never happens.
But don’t take our word for it. Here are some completely voluntary testimonials from three of our guests:
- “Being removed from my family for 25 years has really helped me appreciate how important the State is and how unimportant my family is. I learned very quickly that my selfish behavior would make them suffer. Fortunately, my Gulag mentor was kind enough to tell my family that I drowned in a septic tank.”
- “I never used to appreciate food. Luckily, I was able to participate in the Gulag Weight Loss Program. The health experts at my Gulag had the precise medical knowledge to deprive me of food for weeks at a time. Before I knew it, I was gnawing on rat bones and grateful for the ability to do so with my three remaining teeth. Thanks Gulag Weight Loss Program for helping me to appreciate food and lose a ton of weight!”
- “I had no idea I was a member of a sleeper terrorist cell trying to bring down Stalin’s government. Thank Stalin I was arrested before I did any real damage. I can’t imagine what my wife and 2-month-old baby would feel like if they still had me in the house. The Gulag has saved me, and I’m eternally grateful. And there definitely isn’t a KGB agent holding a bayonet against my throat when I say this.”
So, what are you waiting for? There’s no time like the present to recognize that you are a sick, delusional person who’s ruining the country. If you can’t find time to visit us, don’t worry. We’ll come get you!
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