Hi, I’m Robin, a pigeon who proudly works for Fledgling Enterprises’ tech support division. Many people have commented that my name is rather strange given that I’m a pigeon not a Robin. But I am a Robin, and when I tell people I’m a pigeon who is Robin, I get a lot of strange looks, and I never seem to get invited back to those parties. Fortunately, because I’m so smart, I’m content not socializing with such pheasants.
Being a member of tech support, I find others often call on me to help with interesting technological issues. Since my motto is “be really helpful even if who you’re talking to is stupid,” I’m really good at solving other people’s problems even if the people in question have the intelligence of an unwashed sewer pipe.
So, as a public service, I decided I’d share my trade secrets on how to fix common technology issues.
Whenever your computer or smartphone has a problem, the best thing to do is grasp it with your feet, fly to a high altitude, then drop it on someone, preferably a politician. If you aren’t gifted with wings, an alternate method is to yell at your screen repeatedly, then throw the offending phone or computer out a window. This is also a remarkably efficient way to fix most problems. I fondly remember when my baby birds were too scared to fly. I yelled at them repeatedly, and all they ever seemed to do was ask for more partially digested worms. Therefore, following the tactic I already described, I hurled them all out of the nest. And I’m proud to say that most of them learned how to fly.
Getting back to tech issues though, if your computer still isn’t working after its encounter with a window, you should try a more precision-oriented approach with the use of a sledgehammer and a chainsaw. Both of these come in very handy, especially when your internet is a bit slow. Wearing proper protective gear (feathers), carefully chainsaw the outer cover of the computer, taking care to catch as many wires as possible in the blades. Once you’ve opened the cover, gently pulverize the computer’s innards with the sledgehammer. This is a delicate process, and one must adopt the same level of precision one would use when dynamiting a condemned building.
But, since some people are a little unsure of how to wield such tools (I have much difficulty given my lack of hands and the general size of the tools), there are more time consuming but no less effective measures. For example, some people might suggest looking on the internet for a solution to your computer woes. This is a really stupid idea, because the internet is a scam dreamt up by conspiracy theorists to distract everyone from real issues–like the mass slaughter of pigeons via dried rice at weddings.
Still, if you’re still into using the internet to solve your problems, you should know that there are things call viruses lurking on literally every webpage (except this one). In short, the internet can’t be trusted–unless you subscribe to our service, which is only $699 a month.
Computer viruses operate a lot like real-life viruses, in that they’re transmitted by digital sneezes, and they’re all fatal. Because computer viruses are a big problem, we’ve designed our own antivirus program which we affectionately call E-bprofen. Our legal department droned on about copyright infringement, possible jail time, and some other stuff I didn’t pay attention to. Anyway, it’s probably fine.
The core of the matter is we want to cure your computer. For just eight payments of $299, we’ll send you our exclusive E-buprofen tablets, which, though they look exactly like ibuprofen tablets, are definitely not harvested from regular ibuprofen bottles, then marked up at a really high rate, then sold to people like you whose friends keep calling you “gullible” when they really mean “galactic level genius.”
For anyone accusing us of trying to scam people (and no one has, despite my unneeded denial of that fact), remember they are just jealous that we can solve your problems and they can’t. They might go on and on about how simple your problem is to solve, but they’re really putting lots of computer viruses on your computer because they hate everything.
And if your computer won’t turn on, let us know and we’ll send someone over to plug your computer in for $59.99. You might be asking yourself why you need a tech assistant to plug in your computer. You really shouldn’t, because computers are really complicated, so you should never learn anything about them except what we tell you. How can you trust us? Because we are pigeons. Have you ever heard of pigeons betraying anyone? No you haven’t, because it doesn’t happen.
Lastly, for anyone wondering how a pigeon like me can know more about computers than humans, it’s simple. Because science.