Grizzly Bears and Babies

Here at Fledgling Enterprises, we realize that every toy manufacturer has the IQ of a grapefruit. They all suffer from a collective delusion that children want to enjoy their lives. Most of our employees have back stories so sad and pathetic that Lifetime would go out of business if we decided to make their stories into movies, and we pass the savings onto you.

The cruel fact of the matter is that no toys represent reality to any degree. Children grow up thinking that bears are cute and cuddly. That’s why we created our “Wild Animal” toy series. Unlike other stuffed animals that just want to look pretty, we made ours as close to the real thing as possible. Our life-size “Rabid Grizzly” toy was meticulously constructed with enviable attention to detail. Not only will kids get the full experience of having a toy the same size as a real grizzly in their houses, but they’ll get a taste of what a real bear is like.

No more hugging and sleeping with bears. That sort of nonsense is why so many people get killed by bears every year. Kids get the mistaken impression that bears are nice, and they pay the price. Our bears have genuine bear claws on their paws, and we definitely didn’t kill any grizzly bears, pull off their claws with pliers, then attach them to our toys. For true realism, we sharpen the claws to such a degree that the slightest graze results in a gaping flesh wound.

But what good are bear toys that sit lazily around the house waiting for uneducated six-year-olds to play with them? These bears do no stay in bedrooms; they roam the house and threaten bodily harm on household pets (at least they did in our tests). Plus, all the bears have ion batteries installed, and they last up to thirty years!

Lest you think we forgot the rabies component, every “Rabid Grizzly” is equipped with a highly sophisticated (and patented) rabies furnace. Yes, each “Rabid Grizzly” will have rabies flowing through its system, courtesy of secret technology that we definitely did not steal from the Nazis.

Kids will have to watch out at home now, because reality is the best teacher. Even if it’s a toy mimicking something real. But just imagine how much more prepared kids will be for the real world. No more will they try to pet wild bears or try to be their friends. And in case you’re worried about your kid’s safety, rest assured that no kids were killed in any of our trials, although several dozen have been missing for six months. Our security team has assured us that the kids are, and we quote, “almost probably really safe somewhere.”

Unfortunately, we’ve had some trouble convincing the government, which seems to employ people who possess the intellect of dumber-than-average lemmings with Alzheimer’s. Their lawyers keep telling us things like, “What about public safety?,” “You can’t have sharp claws and rabies on a children’s toy,” and “JESUS GOD WHY DID YOU BRING ONE OF THEM IN HERE?!”

Until our toy is approved (and we’re confident it will be; though we would never do something immoral like blackmail a politician whose name isn’t Harvey Winters with pictures of him doing something highly illegal with an aide’s car and a large amount of C-4), we do still have our “Real Baby Doll” line.

Unlike other dolls that only do one thing like cry, laugh, or crap themselves, our babies have the patented ability to contract diseases and spread them to the whole family. While this hasn’t exactly translated into higher sales (we keep getting a lot of grief from the Health Department), we’re confident that people will slowly realize that we’re just trying to help.

But wait, there’s more. Our babies don’t only spread infections, they also spout off inappropriate language that real kids overhear in real life. Because of expert computer programming that’s taken years to perfect, our dolls are programmed to blurt out these words at weddings, funerals, and job interviews.

Why would you bring a “Real Baby Doll” to a job interview? Because our psychologists, who went to real schools in some country we can’t find on a map, tell us that bringing a “Real Baby Doll” to a job interview will increase the chances of you getting hired by 136%.

Now, we realize that our products aren’t for everyone. We also realize that all of our products are rated as one star on every website. How do we stay in business? Because we believe in what we sell. And also our company is owned by a multi-billionaire who likes to amuse himself in bizarre ways.

We are taking preorders for the “Rabid Grizzly” however. If you order now, we’ll send you a complimentary gerbil infected with a violent gastrointestinal virus. Our focus groups told us that rodents with intestinal issues build a lot of character.

Photo by Akshay Chauhan on Unsplash

Follow me in a completely non-creepy way:

• 
•