Social Media—Research has shown that social media do nothing but good when it comes to civil discourse. Harold Jackson, an analyst, told us his perspective on the topic: “The best way to learn anything about the world is to read two to three sentence bits of information that people post on social media. Reading books from different perspectives to get a better idea of the issues is way less effective than scanning Twitter fights. Books are long and boring. Plus, if an issue can’t be simplified into two to three sentences, then it’s probably not worth thinking about. My brain space is precious to me, and I’m not going to clutter my brain with all the complexities of subjects like history, political theory, and psychology when I can be just as informed by reading Tweets and Facebook posts. I’m making a real difference in the world by posting what I think about all these complicated issues in three sentences or less without doing any research. Long form debates take too much time—time I could spend arguing with a total stranger online about something neither of us knows enough about.”
Politics—Republicans and Democrats have agreed to settle all future disputes, including elections, via caged MMA matches. After this landmark decision, Dwayne Johnson immediately announced his candidacy and body slammed Kamala Harris. Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said this will be great for the Democrats because Republicans have the reasoning skills of lobotomized groundhogs. We have unconfirmed reports that Pelosi’s stage name will be Nuclear Nancy. Sources inside Washington have confirmed that any fight related injuries will be covered by the legislators’ existing health care plan.
With this new development, Donald Trump announced that he will not need any Republicans to fight cage matches because he can do it all himself. At the press conference, he said, “I’m a great fighter. A really great fighter. I can beat anyone, especially the Democrats. Because they’re losers. They lose all the time, just like Hillary.”
When asked about President Trump’s comments, Hillary Clinton said, “Russia probably had a hand in this decision. I’m not saying Russia colluded with Donald Trump, but you have to look at who benefits. I think if Donald Trump wins any of these MMA matches, we need to seriously consider the whole Russia thing. By the way, I wrote another book. Please go buy it. Also, I’m Hillary Clinton.”
Bernie Sanders weighed in, saying it wasn’t fair that some legislators are more physically robust than others. He said, “It’s unfair that 1% of the population has such a high physical advantage over the other 99%. We should redistribute muscle mass and lung capacity to the public. Once everyone has the same physical capabilities, we’ll have nothing but ties in these cage matches. I, personally, am looking forward to getting some of Dwayne Johnson’s muscle mass.”
Sports—We asked some people about their thoughts on how sports commentary has been going lately, and the results are exactly what you’d expect. “I love politics in sports,” said Joe, a contractor. “When I watch football, it gets really boring after a while. I mean, how many games can you watch before the whole thing gets monotonous? I think it’s great that we’ve put politics into places that we normally go to avoid politics. How else are we going to change the world? I mean, when I’m watching a game, the whole time I’m thinking, ‘I wonder what that commentator thinks about every single social issue in America.’”
Jane, a nurse, made similar comments: “After a long day at work, I know I want to relax by coming home and listening to what a bunch of sports commentators think about politics. That’s definitely something I can’t get by looking at my social media feeds or simply talking to people I’m friends with or related to. Plus, people talk about politics at work all the time, so it just adds that extra burst of joy to my day to hear even more of it when I should be relaxing.”
Business—Jeff Bezos recently purchased Albania, and no one seems to have noticed or cared.
Human Interest—New research has shown that most people do not get along with people who have different perspectives. Ultimately, it’s a myth that people with different perspectives can come to any kind of understanding via discussion and reason. The same research shows that the solution to all problems is to eliminate logic and reason altogether. Doing so will not only allow us to get more in touch with our emotions, but it will also free up valuable brain space for us to engage in more meaningful activities like arguing with complete strangers online. Fewer things in life, according to research, benefit us more than yelling incoherently at other people and hurling as many insults as we can without evidence. So, for all you people trying to be civil, research suggests you’ve ruined society and should do the world a favor by moving to Antarctica. Or Albania.
Photo by Elijah O’Donell on UnsplashFollow me in a completely non-creepy way:
1. I’m so happy to see that you are
2. I laughed until I threw up a little in my mouth, which is a good thing only when reading humor.