At Hair Peace Industries (a subdivision of Fledgling Enterprises), where you’re at peace with your hair piece, we understand the cultural and social importance of the comb-over better than anyone. We know that the comb-over is the glue that holds your social life together, and its subtlety channels life energy from the universe. Some people might think the comb-over is a joke, but if they truly searched their souls, they’d see that their souls have a comb-over.
Consider Bob, a great human being who works as a banker by day and makes a side living by throwing clumps of fruit flies at canvases covered in rubber cement (see his latest exhibition in his Iowa basement). To say he was in rough shape when we found him is an understatement. Because of his comb-over woes, he was close to the breaking point. But let him tell you in his own words:
Bob: When I started going bald, I didn’t know what to do. I really wanted people to think I had a full head of hair, because not having hair is a lot like having an internal organ missing. Except you have a lot of those same organs, and they’re on your head, and everyone can see them. I wanted people to think I had all my hair organs, so began doing research on the comb-over, the greatest technological advancement this side of the hand buzzer. Since then literally no one has ever noticed that I’m bald on top whenever I’m indoors, unless there’s a vent in the ceiling. But when I walk outside and a mild breeze kicks up, my lovingly placed hair flies all over the place flailing about like a spastic octopus. No longer could I fool people. Instead, I knew they could see my soul, and it was a sorry soul that needed its comb-over. After all, if people didn’t think I had a full head of hair, how was life worth living?
Well, we told Bob that while some people may scoff at the monumental technological achievement that is the comb-over, those people just need some perspective. Men like Bob have to do the comb-over every day. Think of Leonardo Da Vinci. People hold up the Mona Lisa as some sort of “classic art.” Well, Da Vinci only had to paint the Mona Lisa once. So basically, men with comb-overs are doing the equivalent of painting the Mona Lisa every morning, thus making Da Vinci an overrated hack.
Fortunately for Bob and everyone like him, we at Hair Peace Industries had our team of thick-haired scientists working for the past thirty years on a solution. All that work paid off handsomely. Our designer Comb-Over Toupee is made with glorious strands of hair meticulously harvested from real men’s heads to make the greatest toupee the world has ever seen: the comb-over toupee. When we say “harvested,” we in no way mean that we keep large files on men with lots of hair, or that we sneak into their houses and harvest their hair, or that we use chloroform in this process.
And we’re light years ahead of the competition. Some companies actually peddle a pill that will help your hair “magically regrow.” What they don’t tell you is that every single person who takes that pill gets hair cancer. The FDA hasn’t figured it out yet, and our completely non-biased research staff has been sending thousands of documents to FDA with damning evidence to that effect.
Some of you might be asking, “But why not just make a toupee that has a full head of hair on it?” To all of those people, we say, shut up. Comb-overs fool everyone. Plus, it takes less hair so we can make more of them. And it saves on production costs, which allows us to pass the savings onto you.
For those of you like Bob who fear wind, hair’s arch nemesis, rest assured that our Comb-Over Toupees are made of the finest quality material. We have third world slaves employees superglue each comb-over hair on each toupee with the precision of an electron microscope, except it’s a lot cheaper. We personally guarantee that your comb-over toupee will stay on your head even in a tornado. How do we know that? Because one of our employees definitely ran into a tornado voluntarily. He died, but the toupee stayed on. Progress!
To wrap things up, let’s get back to Bob and his riveting testimonial.
Bob: After I got my Comb-Over Toupee, my life was even better than it was before. It was my best financial decision ever, second only to when I ditched my cell phone and bought Homing Pigeons. I no longer have to worry about pesky winds pulling my carefully crafted cranium hair away from my reflective skull. And I really enjoy standing outdoors in hurricanes and tornadoes, because I’m a real man.
We know, Bob, we know.
Photo by Scott Webb on UnsplashFollow me in a completely non-creepy way:
You could write about dirt and I would laugh out loud!
Keep it going!!!
Writing about dirt would be a challenge. I think I’ll need a lot more skill to tackle that one.
Keep them coming Sam this was another great one.