First of all, I’m glad you made it to this year’s Black Friday preparation meeting. This is the third in our store’s annual series, and I want to take a moment to say how much I appreciate all of you for coming. I know upper management threatened to cut your salaries if you didn’t show up, but it’s nice all the same, isn’t it?
Now, I’ve always been an optimistic guy, looked on the bright side of life, seen the good in the bad. After lots of thought and meditation, I can’t bring myself to say anything bad about any of our Black Friday shoppers, even the one who pepper sprayed that five-year-old over a video game.
Granted, it took me several weeks of meditation, and I wasn’t able to say anything good about the customers, but I’ve decided that I won’t say anything bad about them and–
What is it Jenkins? I can stick my optimism where? Aside from being physically impossible, that’s not appropriate for a Black Friday meeting. I don’t want to write you up again; I already wrote you up for calling that one customer a failed lobotomy experiment. He what? He said he didn’t know what a lobotomy is? Well that’s all the more reason you should have been polite.
Anyway, we have a few things to go over, and I think it’s important that we do this as efficiently and as calmly as possible. And that’s the key: calmness. I don’t know how many of you realize how important that is. We’re going to have a lot of, um, enthusiastic people running around here tomorrow, and I think that if we project calmness, that calmness will transfer to the hearts of our customers, so we should–
Can you keep the laughter down please? It’s bad for everyone’s morale, and it’s making the new hires nervous.
You know, for you new hires, despite what you may have heard, there is one thing that’s truly a joy to watch. When those doors first open, everyone bursts into the store like human-shaped party poppers, ready to get in touch with their inner happiness and–
What is it now, Jenkins? You say it looks more like heavily caffeinated asylum escapees? Now how is that attitude going to help us out? And for the last time, we are not making straight jackets our Black Friday giveaway. I don’t care how many you have with you, Jenkins.
Now, it’s probably gotten around at this point, and I don’t want to make too big a deal of it, but I think we need to show Leroy some encouragement. Last year, as you might recall, Leroy was accidentally in front of the doors when we opened them, and he got pushed through the store for, uh, I forget how long it actually was. Ellie eventually found him wedged on the bottom shelf of the girls’ toy aisle six hours later. Despite that, he’s a trooper to still be here with us, so let’s give him a real round of applau—NO! Ha! Sorry! Stop! He doesn’t respond well to loud noises! He’ll curl up in a ball and…
Well, now you can see it firsthand.
Don’t take pictures of him Jenkins! I don’t care how many likes you got for last year’s picture!
Just give him a few feet of space. He’ll be okay in ten minutes or so. At least he was last time anyway. Lena, would you go snag a can of soda and wave it by his face for a few minutes? I don’t know why, but that seems to calm him down. Once he starts making those dolphin-like clicks, you’ll know he’s coming out of it a little bit.
Just don’t stand right at the entrance when we let all of those knuckleheads in, okay? Then you won’t end up like Leroy.
As long as we’re talking about the entrance, Jenkins, I don’t think anyone here believes that last year twenty cans of cooking spray accidentally discharged right at the entrance. I’ve checked the video and it looks like you dropped that box on purpose. I know some of you thought that was amusing, but when that man in that Russian hat slipped and barreled into our display Santa, that really upset some of the children, especially when Santa’s head fell off and rolled next to the chainsaw display.
Yes Jenkins, I know the footage went viral. I still don’t care.
By the way, whoever glued the entrance doors shut during the power outage this morning, that really wasn’t nice. Whoever it was, don’t try and pull that again.
What Jenkins? Was what pun intentional?
One last thing, I will not be out in the store when those doors open up. If customers raise any issues with you, do not, I repeat, do not refer that person to me. I’m going to be very busy in the locked rear office doing lots of important analytics. That means I’m doing smart people stuff, and I can’t be out in the store. But I’ll be watching you on the camera. So don’t you try any—
What is it now Jenkins? You have a video of me from last year’s Black Friday? Jenkins, you know that filming me without my consent is illegal and—Oh it is, is it? It’s my own security feed? I, uh, well, I hope you all have a great Black Friday and—
Will someone get Leroy? He just duct taped himself to the fire exit. Meeting adjourned.
Author’s Note: This post was heavily influenced by Bob Newhart, quite possibly the best stand-up comedian of all time. It would be arrogant of me to claim this blog post is on his level of comedy, therefore I present it as a humble tribute to a major influence on my attempts at humor.