It’s the beginning of a new year, so obviously the topic should be bench-pressing, i.e., lots of people want to get in shape, so they need advice on how to be cool like me. Plus, I’d be doing the world a massive disservice by refusing to share my Albert Einstein-esque understanding of bench-pressing.
I totally mean to brag when I say that my bench-pressing abilities are impressive. Also, because I’m really really good at understanding how people think, I know that everyone else wants to impress other people the way I impress people. For all those people who go on and on about stupid things like “humility” and “safety”, those are two things that will make you a human-shaped pile of nothing.
Unfortunately, you always run into someone who will say things like, “You have to be safe when you lift”, “Cardio is important too”, or “Never speak again”. Those people are losers. Ignore them like you ignore extinct animals.
No matter what these so-called “professional trainers” and “doctors” tell you, the only important thing when it comes to lifting is bench-pressing. Don’t let those aforementioned “professionals” fool you with their “diplomas” and “years of experience”, they just want to tear you down because they know you’re smarter and stronger than they are.
To us real men, the bench is a holy construct, a shrine upon which we lie and demonstrate our worthiness to continue living on this planet without shame. No other workout equipment matters, and whoever says that’s not true is probably a loser or a terrorist (or a loser-terrorist). Those other weight machines exist only to weed out the weak and pitiful.
Therefore, here are seven super-important things to know about how to be awesome at bench-pressing:
- Choosing Weight: Novices always mess this up. They have this idiotic idea of “working up to a higher weight”. All this does is take up time and stop real weightlifters from accomplishing their goals. First, you have to figure out how much weight that, when dropped on yourself, will crush your ribcage like kindling and rupture all of your important organs. Once you figure that weight out, add a hundred pounds on top of that. There should be enough weight on the bar that if you drop it (which you won’t, unless you’re unworthy), you’ll die a hero’s death. This is what’s known in bench-pressing as “motivation”. Failure should kill you. There are no excuses. Go big or die trying. IMPORTANT: make sure to grunt loudly while loading the weight so everyone in the gym knows you’re about to bench-press.
- Mental Preparation: Once you’ve loaded the weight, sit on the end of the bench and contemplate really smart philosophy, like Nietzsche. On a side note, casually drop his name in conversation, and girls will ask you to marry them on the spot. So use with caution. People will see how mentally strong you are and will create a statue of you to worship.
- Get a Spotter: A “spotter” is a guy whose job is to stand behind the bench with his crotch uncomfortably close to your head. Although real men don’t need spotters, you have to give people the illusion that you’re capable of failure. The spotter’s main job is to pretend like he’s going to help you when you feel yourself starting to drop the weight on your chest. In extreme cases, he’ll actually help, but he will then tell you and everyone else that he didn’t help at all. If he tells anyone that he helped you, he should be immediately banished to the Mariana Trench.
- Mental Preparation Part 2: Put headphones in and listen to heavy metal. Make it loud enough to damage the hearing of everyone in a twenty-foot radius. The closer the music sounds to a trash compactor grinding up a jet airliner, the better. Punch yourself repeatedly in the chest while emitting a war cry so terrifying that everyone in the gym will have nightmares for the next ten years.
- Benching: This is extremely important. If you bench incorrectly, you will commit the crime of not being cool enough to keep going to the gym. Your life will become an endless series of failures, and your only redemption will come centuries after your death once people forgot your embarrassing existence. The moment of truth is here, so you grasp the bar like it’s a club you’d use to beat a tyrannosaur to death and lower it down to your chest. The spotter will probably yell things like “You can do it!”, “Come on!”, and “Let me check my phone real fast”, but you won’t hear him because you’ll be too busy being awesome. Once that bar touches your chest, PUSH!!!!! Your head will turn as red as a subpoenaed politician, and your life won’t flash in front of your eyes, because life doesn’t matter when you’re bench-pressing.
- Brag: Only people with no accomplishments hate bragging. Their lives are failures, so the only way they can justify their worthless existences is to try and destroy your success. Fortunately, they even fail at that, because they’re failures. Once you’ve completed your rep (that means “repetition”; bench-pressers are too cool to use the whole word), get up and tell everyone how easy it was. Throw your chest out and gaze at your awesomeness in a gym mirror as your pectoral muscles swell in real-time.
- Take supplements: Once you’ve completed your workout, it’s time to take your supplements (the jealous call them “steroids”). If you’re too much of a wimp to take steroids, go to GNC and buy everything in the store. I don’t know what GNC stands for because I don’t need to know.
- BONUS–Brag Pt. 2: One more because I’m amazing. When you’re out living your already awesome life, make sure to tell everyone, especially women, how much you bench press. This is something women are very interested in; they just pretend that they aren’t. Here is a typical exchange:
Her: My parakeet was eaten by a starving cat yesterday.
You: I benched 380 yesterday.
Her: I want to have your children.
To stem the flow of women who will probably comment that they rejected me when I bragged about my bench-pressing ability, just know that they are all liars, and that I’m not arrogant at all. LIFTING!!!!!!