I awake at exactly 5:01am to allow myself time to prepare for the day without rushing. The extra minute after 5am subconsciously gives me a sense of urgency as it gives me the illusion of having overslept. That minor jolt of adrenaline activates my senses at a much faster rate than if I woke up at five (I tested that theory several times to ensure I was correct).
At exactly 5:03am, I get my smartphone and take it off maximum power saving mode. I always make sure to charge it before I go to bed; the maximum power saving mode allows minimal battery drain overnight, thus enabling me to get an optimal amount of usage during the day. By 5:04am, I immediately check my Instagram feed, because processing visuals is far easier than reading, and I very rarely feel the need to comment on pictures. They may be worth a thousand words, but I value my words immensely, so I choose not to waste them on other people’s pictures.
I do make sure I like all of the Instagram posts from the celebrities I follow. I also leave comments on their posts because getting a like or a response from a celebrity makes me feel so much better about myself, and that potential outcome justifies me writing a comment. It also allows me to believe I’ve somehow gotten a taste of what it’s like to be a celebrity. I’ve had dozens of actors and pop stars like my comments.
After scrolling through Instagram for ten minutes, I bring my phone into the shower so I can watch the latest viral YouTube videos. It is important to have a waterproof phone, and I made sure to watch numerous YouTube videos testing different phones as they are immersed in water. My phone scored the best, although the newer generation of phones can be submerged in deeper water for longer. When I didn’t have a waterproof phone, I lost precious minutes I could have spent watching soldiers reunite with their dogs while on leave.
If the viral videos involve people being hilariously aggressive or people crying, I can begin my day with a morally superior attitude, which is crucial because a sense of moral superiority gives my life what little meaning it has.
Once I’ve finished my shower, I switch to Pandora so I can hear the latest popular songs. I file away a few of the lyrics and make a note to myself to casually bring the songs up in conversation when I’m at work. Such behavior shows others that I’m attuned to pop culture and am therefore socially desirable.
When I’ve dressed and gone downstairs to make breakfast (a meal replacement bar and hand ground coffee), I scroll through my Twitter feed until 6:00am. If I’m efficient with my morning routine, I will have approximately thirty minutes to do this. I look for political tweets first, because retweeting those will increase the amount of likes and comments on my own feed. I always make sure to pick tweets that will make people angry, since anger not only validates my existence but also allows me to meet more Twitter friends.
After selecting the most aggressive political tweets, I find political tweet threads from people whose politics differ from my online politics. Nobody needs to know that what I say on Twitter does not always reflect my political views. So, I find people with whom I want to disagree, and I deliberately post insulting comments, saying things like, “that’s racist” and “you all should die.” Doing so allows me to draw even more attention to myself and create an ongoing conversation that can last for dozens of tweets.
I make sure to check those Twitter threads throughout the day (every ten minutes). If I see one of my comments is not getting at least a hundred likes or responses, I say something even more incendiary.
Before I leave for work, I take great care arranging my hair and my clothing. I then take a picture of myself, from the left, because that side of my face is more attractive. I use a soft light filter, because soft light hides the blemishes on my face, thus making me look even more desirable. After taking several pictures, I pick the best one and upload it to my Facebook page.
Once it’s uploaded, I type out a quote or a made up philosophical saying that will make people think I’m a deep thinker. If people see that I’m physically attractive and intellectually advanced, I’ll increase my number of followers much more quickly.
I also upload the picture to Instagram, tagging at least four of my friends at the end of the quote. I make sure to pick friends who have more followers than I do, because they will be more likely to direct traffic back to me.
In the end, the experiences of others combined with my projected ideal image comprise my life. There is an idea of me, but I simply do not exist.Follow me in a completely non-creepy way: